Dear Universe,

SDGKJSDFKL;JASDLK;JSDGSDSDFLKJFD;KLJSDFKL;FASD But then on the other hand, O;ADIHGADFKL;GNADFK;LNGAEKL;GTNWEKL'NAGL'NKVASD And furthermore AEKGJHASDJK;HG;ASDJKHJKLSDHJKLHSDGHKJSDGSD;KGHSDAJKHGSKL;HG;SDKLHGKL;SDHKL;JENGFKLSDNGKLNASDGNKLKL;NSDG In conclusion, [censored].

Thank you for your time and consideration,
This One Over Here

P.S.-- I still want a ponymotorcycle. Would you be willing to trade one for this breakdown I've been having? It's not in my size, and the color's all wrong.

Ugh. Just ugh.

So, Emily and I had planned to hang out today. You know, get together, watch a movie or something, and eat some cake in honor of Singles Awareness Day (she has a boyfriend, but he's working today). Great, right? Well, no, not quite. See, in my excitement, I managed to forget that Emily is notorious for not following through on plans. Basically, if you go out of your way to make arrangements, she won't show up. Which would be less offensive if she would actually tell you she couldn't make it. But no. I had to call her, only to hear "whoops my grandmother wants to do something, sorry." But hey, Emily's family is batshit insane, so you can't really argue with them. So, not the worst thing ever.

But. Then I realized something. A large percentage of my friends do this to me. I can think of a small handful who haven't, and they probably just haven't had a chance to do so yet. I think I must be the backup plan friend or something. I mean, I don't have a problem with people being busy and having other things to do. That's called life. But when it's a pretty constant pattern, and you won't even tell me you can't make it, I can't really help feeling like I'm the only one placing any value on the friendship.

And if anybody actually reads this and is wondering if I'm talking about you, well. Have you repeatedly made plans with me and cancelled without warning or telling me? If you've had to cancel, but you did tell me, I'm not talking about you (I know this is for at least one person on here). If you actually hang out with me when you say you're going to, I'm not talking about you. If maybe you've done this once or twice, I'm not talking about you, but for god/dess/es/whatever's sake tell me when you have to cancel. I don't even care what the reason is, I just need to know if something's come up. I might be kinda sad if you have to cancel, but it's much better than not telling me and thinking I won't notice or whatever. Then if you keep doing that, I'm gonna end up thinking you're ditching me. And hey, if you don't wanna hang out with me? Don't fucking make plans to hang out with me. Just say you can't. I may not catch on that you don't want to hang out with me, but at least you won't be forced to spend time with me, right?

If you are, or think you are, one of the people I'm talking about, and would like to know how to "fix it" or whatever? All you have to do is tell me something's come up. Don't wait for me to come find you, put on your grown-up underwear and let me know. And if you've been doing this to someone else? Same fucking thing. It really isn't that hard to do, and leaving people in the lurch like that is not only extremely rude, but it makes the person you're doing it to feel like you don't actually like them or want to spend time with them.

It's pretty sad that the only person who wants to hang out with me today is my mom. (I love my mom, but I'm just saying.) Well, she and I are gonna get some Chinese food and eat a VDay cake! And I'm gonna play video games.

Happy motherfucking Valentine's Day.

EDIT: Fffffff, bahahahahahahaha. Okay, so apparently all I needed to do was complain about it. Emily just called and said she's coming over in a bit. Working the card section of Walmart on Valentine's Day gave her a headache (gee, how shocking), which she used to get out of the plans with her grandmother. So once she's gotten it to calm down/let the pain meds kick in, she's gonna come over and play video games or whatever. It seems Emily only shows up when you don't expect her, lawls.

So, yeah. I've had a lot of stuff I've wanted to say lately, but in true Scorpio fashion, decided not to say any of it. I've seen people do this before, and it seems like a good idea, so Imma rub on tha wallsdo it too.

These are directed at random people, some of whom are on lj, some of whom are not. Hopefully these will be vague enough to not make anybody worry that I'm talking about them. ;)

Hey, you. You need to find some sort of way to unwind. I know it's nigh impossible, since you're so busy, but try anyway, please? You don't need all that stress. <3

And you. I hope you're proud of yourself. Hope you're happy. Enjoy that. I'm sure it'll be okay eventually, but damn, that was low.

You. I miss you. Probably doesn't mean much, but I do miss you. Hope things are going well, and that you can get away from some of the crap that it looks like you're stuck in. Good luck!

And I kinda miss you, too, although I don't know if you'd understand why. Oh well.

Aaaaand you. I've been told by a couple of people that I should be more forgiving, but uh, I don't think so. You've been a complete nightmare to me, albeit indirectly, and in a way that I don't know that I could forgive you for. You need to get the fuck over yourself, bb, and stop projecting your issues onto other people. I still can't even talk to you, and I don't know if it's worth it to try.

Okay, and you two. You two don't know each other, but you're like the same goddamned person. Y'all need to stop your passive agressive bullshit, let your damned kids grow up, and stop treating them like shit. One of you in particular is especially bad about this. I hope you're happy; you're daughter/my friend is pretty consistantly miserable, because you're such a twat. And you probably have no idea, because you're so self absorbed. Good job.

Aaaaaah, that felt good. I might need to do this more often. Also, rereading over this, several of these could apply to multiple people, so I guess I did it right.

In other news, I seem to have a raging literary hard-on for medieval poetry. Whoulda thunk?

EDIT: Oh, and this? Makes me happy. I squeed for reals.

Well, I'm back at school. :\ I'm not really looking forward to this semester, honestly, mostly because the last one sucked ass. And I... kind of feel like I'm not gonna be able to pull it off again this time. I dunno. It's probably just the caffeine jitters plus my general anxiety at being left alone after spending several weeks in close proximity with other people (whether I like it or not, haha). I'm just... so tired. And... well. Anyway.

I'm not quite done unpacking, but almost. And I still need to get my textbooks (oh god, oh god). Got some notebooks. And shoes (omg shoes). They're purple and glittery and have hearts on 'em. XD

Augh. I just feel... really strange. (Also, Mya? I don't really need to hear your radio. Lololol I belieeeeeve I can flyyyyyyyyy) I'm all jittery. And like I said, kind of anxious. And bored, and lonely. Being by myself in the dorm room always makes me feel kind of weird anyway. Blech. What the hell is wrong with me? Jeez. ...It's probably because I'm just kind of stuck here with my thoughts (and the internet, but nobody's online/available, so still pretty much by myself), which aren't very happy at the moment.

Oh school. Why can't you be over? Meh. At least I get next Monday off. Maybe I'll go home this weekend...

So yeah. By the way, I haven't been avoiding you (you know who you are, I think). I mean, I wasn't up to talking for a couple of days, but now I think it's just that I end up going to bed before you log on, lawls. So... hi. *cough, shuffles awkwardly*

Anyway, I think I'm done. Now I'm gonna go... hopefully not cry. But maybe. Probably. Bawww.

Bleh. I know I need to talk to some people, but I just can't make myself do it. I just... can't. And the people I feel up to talking to are, of course, unavailable. (Emmy, are you ever available? :P )

Also, played some more Re:CoM today. Having trouble with Vexen. Drew some. And so on.

I regret nothing! Except not going ahead with that other idea yesterday while I had the chance I mean what.

What the hell just happened. I just. What.

Life needs to stop trying to teach me not to share. I know that's not a valid lesson, but it keeps being beaten into me anyway.

Emily, while playing Re:CoM: "Oh Axel, you tease~"

Bahahahaha. Also, I think Christmas or something happened. It was pretty cool. Yeah.

Also, bawwww I miss people bawwww. */no one cares*

EDIT: What the hell, I can't even spell "Christmas" right. Goob job, me.

Well, since the semester from hell is over, you'd think I'd be feeling better, right? I guess not. :\ Honestly, I think a lot of it is that now I'm "allowed" to be upset, you know? I don't have to hold it together to get a paper done on time, or anything. Well, that and the fact that instead of having less stress now, I just have different stress. Sigh.

I mean, let's see here. I'm currently so angry at, upset with, and disappointed in one of my longtime friends. Like... I ignored her phone call earlier, and I'm ignoring her online right now, because I am so, so... I don't even have a word for it, I'm that... that. Yeah.

And well, I keep stressing out about other stuff, too, but eh. I've been thisclose to crying all day, but I think I'll be okay now. I'm about to go see James, and he's gonna make me cocoa and we're gonna watch Gargoyles. Yay. Hopefully I won't bawwwww all over him, haha.

So... yeah. My depression, let me show you it. :\

Full disclaimer: I'm tired and a bit weepy, so I may ramble/not make any sense

I don't think I want to be an English major anymore. I don't think I can be an English major anymore.

Rozelle's class has made me realize that... I don't like it. I don't like doing literary crit. I don't like writing about other people's stuff. I want to write my own stuff.

And... I've been feeling like this pretty much all semester, but I haven't had any idea what else I could major in.

I hate that class. I mean, a lot of it is interesting, and Rozelle's actually pretty funny. But I hate it. It doesn't mean anything to me. It has no value. And it's what I would be doing for the rest of undergrad, as far as I can tell. And I don't wanna do it anymore. I'm sick of these damn essays and papers about some dead guy's writing. Ugh.

So I've been trying to think of what else I could do. And tonight I talked with my mom about this idea I've been kicking around in my head for a while. I think I want to do some sort of activism/advocacy for the queer community.

And that's so vague, I know, but it's more of an idea than I've ever had for what to do as an English major. And well... I think this is more necessary, if that makes sense.

So, I may need to change majors, but I'm not sure to what. I was thinking sociology, but I don't know. I think I'm going to talk to a prof here in the near future. The one I have in mind is really nice, and should actually be helpful; I also know from some previous conversations that she's queer-friendly, so I can be up-front about my possible new plan.

So... yeah. Thoughts?

Keep it a secret. I don't think I've ever heard of a crush confession working out well, as cynical as that sounds.