Well well. Looks like someone finally noticed! I just logged on to see this:

deathbloodfangs (2/24/2009 12:37:18 PM): Hey. So word on the black market is that I'm being shunned for words spoken as an idiot. Sorry you took offense to my gay comment but honestly, I think James is retarded and said what he did to get you. Didn't he say he was grossed out by guy on guy then turns around and says he's pan? Whats up with that? Maybe I'm missing something but I'm just looking out for u.

No honey, you are not, and have not been, looking out for me. You've been trying to run off everyone's boyfriends and been extremely prejudiced towards gay men/perceived gay(ish) men, both for as long as I've known you. It is never okay to threaten to physically injure someone for "acting gay."

James did this amazing thing called realizing he was wrong, which was followed by something called an apology, and- gasp- a change in behavior. You haven't seemed interested in any of these things. That, up there that you wrote? Not an actual apology. It's really just "sorry that I got caught being dickish."

If your idea of "looking out for me" is being bigoted and threatening my friends, then I think I can do without it, thank you.

...So yeah. I think I'm going to send this or something like it back, as soon as I can get yahoo messenger to work right. Feel free to suggest changes/additions. I'd keep typing, but I've gotten to the point where I'm so pissed off that my hands are shaking.

Ugh. Just ugh.

So, Emily and I had planned to hang out today. You know, get together, watch a movie or something, and eat some cake in honor of Singles Awareness Day (she has a boyfriend, but he's working today). Great, right? Well, no, not quite. See, in my excitement, I managed to forget that Emily is notorious for not following through on plans. Basically, if you go out of your way to make arrangements, she won't show up. Which would be less offensive if she would actually tell you she couldn't make it. But no. I had to call her, only to hear "whoops my grandmother wants to do something, sorry." But hey, Emily's family is batshit insane, so you can't really argue with them. So, not the worst thing ever.

But. Then I realized something. A large percentage of my friends do this to me. I can think of a small handful who haven't, and they probably just haven't had a chance to do so yet. I think I must be the backup plan friend or something. I mean, I don't have a problem with people being busy and having other things to do. That's called life. But when it's a pretty constant pattern, and you won't even tell me you can't make it, I can't really help feeling like I'm the only one placing any value on the friendship.

And if anybody actually reads this and is wondering if I'm talking about you, well. Have you repeatedly made plans with me and cancelled without warning or telling me? If you've had to cancel, but you did tell me, I'm not talking about you (I know this is for at least one person on here). If you actually hang out with me when you say you're going to, I'm not talking about you. If maybe you've done this once or twice, I'm not talking about you, but for god/dess/es/whatever's sake tell me when you have to cancel. I don't even care what the reason is, I just need to know if something's come up. I might be kinda sad if you have to cancel, but it's much better than not telling me and thinking I won't notice or whatever. Then if you keep doing that, I'm gonna end up thinking you're ditching me. And hey, if you don't wanna hang out with me? Don't fucking make plans to hang out with me. Just say you can't. I may not catch on that you don't want to hang out with me, but at least you won't be forced to spend time with me, right?

If you are, or think you are, one of the people I'm talking about, and would like to know how to "fix it" or whatever? All you have to do is tell me something's come up. Don't wait for me to come find you, put on your grown-up underwear and let me know. And if you've been doing this to someone else? Same fucking thing. It really isn't that hard to do, and leaving people in the lurch like that is not only extremely rude, but it makes the person you're doing it to feel like you don't actually like them or want to spend time with them.

It's pretty sad that the only person who wants to hang out with me today is my mom. (I love my mom, but I'm just saying.) Well, she and I are gonna get some Chinese food and eat a VDay cake! And I'm gonna play video games.

Happy motherfucking Valentine's Day.

EDIT: Fffffff, bahahahahahahaha. Okay, so apparently all I needed to do was complain about it. Emily just called and said she's coming over in a bit. Working the card section of Walmart on Valentine's Day gave her a headache (gee, how shocking), which she used to get out of the plans with her grandmother. So once she's gotten it to calm down/let the pain meds kick in, she's gonna come over and play video games or whatever. It seems Emily only shows up when you don't expect her, lawls.

Goddammit, I hate crying. Why do I keep letting them do this to me? I try so hard not to care about what they think, but I still live with them, so it's hard, you know?

Look, I know I'm gonna need a post-college plan. I'm not stupid. Even if you did have the funds, I don't wanna mooch off you, because I don't want to owe you anything. And you know what? I was trying to talk to you guys. I was going to come out to you, since the opportunity presented itself and all, but no, you had to make it about you. What, because I'm young I don't have any problems? Good goddamn.

I know I don't have room to fuck up, okay? I know. I've known it forever. Stop trying to make me feel worse, okay? I don't know, maybe think about what you're saying once in a goddamned while. I promise, it's not as hard as you think it is, grandmother. Really. Some fucking tact is not a bad thing.

I'm so sorry I tried to share with you guys. I'll do my best not to make that mistake again.

Hey, if any of you are on Depo or something similar, don't ever miss your appointment. I was about a month late this time due to scheduling mishaps/forgetting to reschedule on time. They make you take a pregnancy test** (because all women are stupid, lying sluts who can't be trusted to actually not be pregnant when they say they're not, or something), but they didn't give me any advance warning. So, I did not have to pee in the slightest. The nurse actually had to go get me some water. And, I don't know if it's just the recent lack of sleep or what, but it was really stressing me out (as in, I almost started crying a couple of times).

So yeah. Not improving my opinion of the medical profession any. (For the record, I have mad respect for nurses, but not very much for doctors. Doctors are bastards.)

*stalks off to drink coffee and hopefully get lunch soon*

**Yeah, first of all? Depo takes a while to leave your system, so I would be unlikely to be pregnant. Second of all, I'm a virgin. Seriously guys, no babies. Ever.

Ugh. Thank you Dante and English class, for reminding me (as if I needed it) why I'm not a Christian. >:| Also, Girl in Class, maybe you should not call the teacher a prostitute.

Yeah. This is gonna be fun.

Actually, upon further thought, I am still pissed. That was Not Okay. But I'm mostly extremely disappointed.